How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
