Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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