Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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