why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
