STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
