If i come over, it means nothing
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
i believe in u and ur pee
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
