I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I can't turn off my feet"
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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