I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
