forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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