you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
im six kinds of drunk right now
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
