We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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