Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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