dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
