Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
