So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
