Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
