Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Randomize
