Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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