I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
