he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
