I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
