I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
