I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
