theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
