Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
