I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I don't deserve a penis
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
She made me pour olive oil on her.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
