If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize
