My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Randomize
