My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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