I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I didn't notice because vodka
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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