I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
