Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
