Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
The beer is more important than you right now.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
