youre lurking in front of me
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
