found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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