I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
