Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
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I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
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Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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