Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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