they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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