You're my little dorito
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
