I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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