and you said cock pushups were impossible
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
