First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
