I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
