Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
