Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
