Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
it's like iHOP with fire
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
