I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Randomize
