you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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