i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
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Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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