Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
