where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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