Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
