You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
