Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
