I think my vagina is haunted
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
