two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
